To all who called. To all who emailed. To the ones who listened to me lament what the future holds for my loved ones. To those whose thoughts and prayers have been constant since it all started...And big thanks to those who stand by my brother and hold him up. To loved ones across the sea who are taking care of my beautiful nieces and their mother...always a sister in my heart. Your thoughts, your prayers, your wishes for good hopes...I thank you. How lucky - to have so many caring, wonderful, thoughtful people in my world. Your outpouring of love never ceases to amaze me.
Hearts are breaking, and there is a great sadness in my world today. Not because the Cardinals lost the Superbowl (it was a great game, after all, and the Cards showed a lot of character); not because of anything with Groundhog Day (did he see his shadow? Did he not? Do I care?); not because the economy shows signs of worsening. No, these things don't enter my psyche today. Today my sister in law and my nieces boarded a plane. To move to Norway. Divorce is never easy, especially when it involves two contintents. And suddenly, the reality of how our family is forever changed begins to settle in. My brother will survive on letters and emails and occasional pictures and updates, and a promise of reuniting with his daughers sometime soon. I know there is rejoicing on the other side - the prodigal daughter is returning home and now her family gets a turn at being a part of the girls' every day lives. Who can blame them? They've been the ones surviving on letters all these years. Now it's their turn, and what a wonderful opportunity for the girls. But nothing will be the same for those left behind.
For me, the change is more transparent, since I moved away long before I had nieces and a sister in law. So I'm used to the occasional calls now and then, the email exchanges, and hoping to visit once a year. But for the rest of my family, who lived basically around the corner from them, it's a whole different story. And I started feeling the ache in my heart when I spoke to my mom and my sister. An ache so deep and so painful, I'd forgotten how fragile my heart really is. I can be - and usually am - awfully cold and unfeeling. I've not decided if this is because that's just the way engineers are, or if perhaps it's a coping mechanism I've built over the years to shield myself from the things I feared would break me. I don't know. Whatever it may be, though, it isn't there right now. I started having chest pains, thinking of my brother, and thought maybe I'm having a heart problem??? But then I realized, this caving, sinking, crushing feeling is the pain I'm feeling for him. I only wish I could keep it for him, so he wouldn't have to feel it himself.
My subjugation to the superwoman myth began in 1991 when I started my career in nuclear power as a young engineer. I met my Prince Charming and in 1994 became his wife. A few years later we had two sons, who are now ages 12 and 10. I work full time in the nuclear industry...and I chase the dream of finding balance one day!
Entropy is a concept in physics and thermodynamics that is essentially the measure of randomness and disorder within a system. Any state of order is actually a state of unequal distribution, and is virtually certain to randomize as time passes. As an isolated system tends towards equilibrium, entropy increases; thus, it is the tendency of a system to move from a less probable (ordered) to a more probable (less ordered) state. As the amount of entropy in a system increases, the amount of free energy in that system decreases.
As I contemplated the elusiveness of the specter of equilibrium in my world (i.e., balancing family, work, friends, etc.), it suddenly occurred to me that entropy is not just the second law of thermodynamics, but the algorithm that mathematically explains the chaos of a working mother's life. The more you work for equilibrium, the greater randomness and disorder become. You don't have to understand physics or thermodynamics--you just have to be a mom to get it.
And so begins my entry into blogworld. Somewhere to place those random entropic thoughts of mine, as I try to make sense of my chaotic existence. And yet, despite it all, there is a divine plan for my very being. I've chosen a path, not really knowing where it will take me, but trusting that God will show me the way. (October 26, 2008)